I’m Sorry We Leaders “Failed” Your Daughter

This post pairs up with the last one (Camping, the Outdoors, and Defending Leaders Again), so if you have time, read it first.

I’m not a big fan of “open letters” because I think they are passive aggressive.  I’ve always said I hope the authors of these open letters at some point confront whoever it is they are taking to task.  So based on that criteria, the following is not an open letter but a strongly worded one.  Before writing this blog post, I’ve had discussions on Facebook at various times with multiple people who have made the following statement including an admin who shared the same attitude.  And I will continue to press when I see it on display again.  If someone says it to me in person, thar she blows!

Let me preface this strongly worded letter by saying that my COL and I are very blessed to have supportive parents.  It’s also not directed at anyone I’ve dealt with in person.

To every parent who has proclaimed that Girl Scouts “failed” their daughter:

I am sorry.  I am very sorry that all of us Girl Scout leaders disappointed you.  I can tell it has upset you greatly that your daughter was not able to fulfill her every desire and wish she had before the age of 18.  It’s not fair that she didn’t get to go backpacking, snowboarding, ax throwing, and camping multiple times a month.  I would offer to pay for her therapy, but my husband says I spend too much on Girl Scouts.

I’m sorry that she had such a lame-o leader who didn’t do these things because she might have been a grandmother who is not as spry as she used to be, so she opted to go cabin camping.  Or maybe the leader was a woman who has a girl your daughter’s age, but she’s got a much younger child too and had to make arrangements if the troop was going to go on any lengthy trips.  Maybe her leader’s husband traveled all week long every week, and in order to spend time with him, she could only schedule weekend events every other month.  Perhaps she had a leader who did go camping, but only once or twice a year.  Or maybe she was a single mom that was doing as much as she could, but it just wasn’t enough.  Maybe her troop couldn’t afford those types of activities.  But Girl Scouts should still provide for all of your daughter’s needs and wants!  Right?  I’m also sorry that we couldn’t find another troop in your area that could do all of the things she wanted to do.

Someone suggested you starting your own troop or to help plan and organize a trip, and I apologize for their insensitive comment.  I’m sure it really aggravated you.  You don’t have time to run a troop or do that other work – what were they thinking by saying that?  Someone else needs to do it!  And you don’t like doing all that outdoor stuff that your daughter likes to do anyway!

I know – it’s not fair that your daughter sees her brother and his friends in Boy Scouts taking all of these camping trips.  Why should she miss out?  Wait – Boy Scouts might start taking girls!  Problem solved!  But it’s possible she’ll be the only girl in that troop.  There’s no den mother, so it looks like you’re going to have to go.  You don’t have time for that!  But it’s stupid anyway, because like you said in that Facebook group, she should be able to do this in Girl Scouts!  She shouldn’t have to join Boy Scouts to do this!  I’m sorry again on behalf of all of us leaders that we are not like the Boy Scouts and have all of these other obligations like families and households to run.  How dare us!

Somebody else mentioned these things called Journeys and how they are keeping troops from going mountain biking and rock climbing on real cliffs (not those fake ones!).  Maybe you’ve heard of them?  I’m sure if GSUSA hadn’t introduced  Journeys, your daughter’s leader wouldn’t have needed a knee replacement and could have taken the troop to backpack the entire Appalachian Trail.  Or grizzly bear wrestling.

I would like to also apologize for the other girls in her troop who didn’t want to do the same kind of expensive things that your daughter wanted to do like skydiving or climbing Mount Everest.  We say we’re “girl led,” but obviously we should change that to be “your daughter led.”  Mea culpa.

Someone suggested Venturing because they do a lot of high adventure activities that your daughter loves and maybe that’ll be more up her alley.  There’s not an active Venturing crew in your area?  I guess they failed your daughter too.

Yours in Girl Scouting,
Amy M. Brown

Whoa Amy!  No need to be like that!  Yeah, I am going to be like that, because regardless of what some people think, not everything can be blamed on Journeys and camp closings and GSUSA.  A lot boils down to the troop level and in turn falls on the troop leader.  When someone refers to “Girl Scouts,” it encompasses not just the leadership up in New York but the girls, volunteers, and troops too.  People seem to forget that.  So it makes me angry when I see parents putting down Girl Scouts in general when whatever they are complaining about is on a troop level – especially when they are expecting a volunteer (you know, someone who doesn’t get paid) to basically cater to their family.  Saying someone “failed” you insinuates you’re owed something.  And sorry, but an organization run by volunteers doesn’t owe you anything, especially if you’re not willing to put some work in.  If a troop’s activities doesn’t meet a girl’s interests, then her parents are free to find another troop.  Or even better – they can start a troop!  But just because that type of troop doesn’t exist in their area doesn’t mean we “failed.”  As I stated in my last blog post, everything in the Girl Scout world could be sunshine and rainbows, but it’s not possible for it to be everything to everybody.

Now you might say that a council should offer those types of opportunities.  Well, some councils do, and some don’t.  Some offer it, but they don’t have enough girls sign up to make numbers.  Don’t live in a council that does?  That’s life for ya – you don’t always get to do what you want and opportunities don’t always present themselves.  I’d recommend checking into Destinations.

Like I said earlier, we are very blessed to have the parents we have in our troop.  They are very supportive.  But if I found out one of them was telling people that “Girl Scouts” failed her daughter, I’d take it personally because their Girl Scouts experience would have been based on the interaction they had with me and our troop.  I have friends who have extremely difficult parents (especially moms), and they cause them a great amount of stress because they are always demanding more and more and then turn around and bad mouth them.  In fact, the vast majority of problems that my friends deal with stem from the adults – not the girls.  You’ll see the same frustrations reflected in any Facebook leader group.

I won’t argue that the programming coming down from GSUSA isn’t great and that changes need to be made.  If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you’ll see that I disagree quite a bit with GSUSA’s decisions.  But that’s not the point of this post.  For whatever reason, these very critical types of comments and high expectations are outdoors based from what I’ve seen, and most of what they are complaining about is on a troop level (not enough camping, not enough trips, not enough this or that, etc).  Getting rid of Journeys and bringing back all of the outdoor badges isn’t going to fix someone’s health problems or family situation that limits them from doing particular outdoor activities.  It’s also not going to force a leader who doesn’t want to camp to do so.

And for J-Low’s sake, how about giving us leaders the benefit of the doubt and not just automatically assume whatever a parent is complaining about is the truth?  Some so-called Girl Scout advocates and alumnae are so angry that they forget we troop leaders are the face of Girl Scouts to parents and throw us under the bus when they talk about how terrible things are.  “Oh, isn’t it awful how these troops are run?”  Well $%^& you!  Some of us are doing a good job and the best we can in today’s world, thank you very much.

If you think I’m coming on very strong with this blog post, it’s because I see volunteers and my friends putting so much time, energy, and effort into what they are doing and dealing with a lot of crap because they care so much about their troop and girls.  So I’m going to defend them when I see that they’re being attacked.  You’re free to argue with me in the comments, but I can’t guarantee that I won’t get fired up.  So fair warning.